... they put a clown on the moon (clown on the moon).
Well,not exactly the moon, but them pesky Ruskies have put a clown in space. Any clown-phobics out there? He's up there, looking down at you!
Nah, don't panic, he can't reach you with his squirty flower; if he pressed the squeezy bulb the reaction would send him flying off in the vague direction of Uranus (did you see what I did there?).
Speaking of which, in order to avoid offending the sensibilities of the Moral Majority, from 2010, Uranus is to be renamed...
Urectum.
That joke used by kind permission. Thanks, Luke. And now back to our regular broadcast.
The Russians didn't send him up there as some kind of Commmedia dell'arte skit - no, Mr Baggysleeves paid Brer Oligarch thirty million US red-noses (thats 22,000,000 battered boaters sterling) for the privilege.
Dat's an offal lotta buckets full of silver confetti being chucked at an audience, brothers and sister. Are we on a wavelength here?
You bet we are. I'm off to paint my face white with a teardrop trickling from the corner of my eye. That teardrop isn't make-up by the way. That's me crying 'cause I chose the wrong career.
Now where's that square-wheeled car of mine? (*parp*)
01/10/2009
01/09/2009
29/08/2009
One of the problems...
with being so vain;
every time I go to cross the road, and it says "Look right", I stop and think "Yes, I do, don't I?"
every time I go to cross the road, and it says "Look right", I stop and think "Yes, I do, don't I?"
16/08/2009
A conundrum.
Why are they called "energy-saving" light bulbs...
when my eyes have to work twice as hard to read anything under them?
when my eyes have to work twice as hard to read anything under them?
12/08/2009
Super, smashing, lovely.
News reaches Pickle Towers of an English actor obtaining a part in a US superhero adaptation movie - and NOT playing the baddie!
Yep, it seems that the part of Odin the Allfather has gone to Brian Blessed, possibly the only actor who would have to turn down his natural speaking voice in order not to drown out the God of Thunder.
All of which makes me think; if I was casting The Mighty Avengers purely from our spectred isles, who would be in the running.
AntMan : Ray Winstone. Best line of dialogue "Oi mush! Watch where yer puttin' yer xxxxin' feet!"
The Winsome Wasp : Jeanette Krankie - no special effects needed to shrink her down to size.
The Might Thor : Lenny Henry. Controversial casting there, I know, but imagine what depths could be bought to the role by someone who could deliver King James Bible English in a Dudley/Jamaican mum accent?
The Incredible Hulk - That grumpy faced bloke with the Walrus moustache who does the adverts saying "Had an accident at work? Not your fault?". Face it - he's big, and you wouldn't like him when he got angry. Mind you, you probably don't like him when he isn't.
Iron Man - Stephen Moore. Qualifications - already experienced in playing metal men, and his Marvin catchphrase "I've got a terible pain in all the diodes down my left hand side" could easily be adapted for Tony "Shrapnel Nuts" Stark.
Captain America - John Barrowman. Face it, he's every-bloody-where else.
Yep, it seems that the part of Odin the Allfather has gone to Brian Blessed, possibly the only actor who would have to turn down his natural speaking voice in order not to drown out the God of Thunder.
All of which makes me think; if I was casting The Mighty Avengers purely from our spectred isles, who would be in the running.
AntMan : Ray Winstone. Best line of dialogue "Oi mush! Watch where yer puttin' yer xxxxin' feet!"
The Winsome Wasp : Jeanette Krankie - no special effects needed to shrink her down to size.
The Might Thor : Lenny Henry. Controversial casting there, I know, but imagine what depths could be bought to the role by someone who could deliver King James Bible English in a Dudley/Jamaican mum accent?
The Incredible Hulk - That grumpy faced bloke with the Walrus moustache who does the adverts saying "Had an accident at work? Not your fault?". Face it - he's big, and you wouldn't like him when he got angry. Mind you, you probably don't like him when he isn't.
Iron Man - Stephen Moore. Qualifications - already experienced in playing metal men, and his Marvin catchphrase "I've got a terible pain in all the diodes down my left hand side" could easily be adapted for Tony "Shrapnel Nuts" Stark.
Captain America - John Barrowman. Face it, he's every-bloody-where else.
04/08/2009
02/08/2009
The ultimate in pointless, frustrating activities.
Try this:
Lift your right foot about six inches of the ground.
Draw clockwise circles in the air with your big toe.
While still drawing those circles, write number 6 in the air with your right hand forefinger.
Yep - your foot is now drawing anti-clockwise circles, isn't it?
Just one more try and I'm giving up forever...
Lift your right foot about six inches of the ground.
Draw clockwise circles in the air with your big toe.
While still drawing those circles, write number 6 in the air with your right hand forefinger.
Yep - your foot is now drawing anti-clockwise circles, isn't it?
Just one more try and I'm giving up forever...
25/07/2009
23/07/2009
What goes around...
... comes back in the nicest way. Esteemed quill-flourisher and HTML specialist Bernard O'Leary was kind (and clever) enough to turn my rudimentary Excel macro-driven Plottomator into a tasty little piece of HTML (eyes right, people). Then he pressed the button, got himself a prompt and wrote a short story based on it which has made runner up in the Guardian short fiction competition. Check out guardian.co.uk/books on August 1st. Check out the Plottomator any time. It can't make you a prize-winning author, but it might just give you the seeds of an idea.
14/07/2009
Don't have a cow, man
Lots of lip-flapping on the news this morning about the plight of the British veal farmer, and how our veal is less cruel than Continental veal (well it would be, wouldn't it?)
But tune in to me here, brothers and sisters; do you know where milk comes from? And Oxo cubes?
Take one cow, take one of those machines they use to crush cars that don't have road tax. Put the cow in the machine and press the "Go" button. Stand back and be amazed as milk pours out. And what's left? Now we are on a wavelength, brothers and sisters; an Oxo cube.
Don't believe me? Try this. Pour a pint of milk into a bowl. Drop in an Oxo cube. Stand well back.
PLUS
EQUALS
But tune in to me here, brothers and sisters; do you know where milk comes from? And Oxo cubes?
Take one cow, take one of those machines they use to crush cars that don't have road tax. Put the cow in the machine and press the "Go" button. Stand back and be amazed as milk pours out. And what's left? Now we are on a wavelength, brothers and sisters; an Oxo cube.
Don't believe me? Try this. Pour a pint of milk into a bowl. Drop in an Oxo cube. Stand well back.
PLUS
EQUALS
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