... and now it seems my ears have improved. After singing along to The Beatles' "She Loves You" for, oh, 46 years or thereabouts, it now transpires that the line I have been belting out as "In spite of her 'to-do' - apologise to her" was, I now realise, actually written by L & M as "Pride can hurt you too..."
So it seems that the drugs I am taking for the Carpal Tunnel Syndrome are sharpening my hearing too.
Pardon?
16/06/2009
Parts of this blog..
Parts of this blog have been edited and shown out of sequence in an attempt to make you think that something dramatic happened. Filmed with lash inserts. Post-production enhancements may lead you to believe this blog is effective. 83% agree (based on a survey of 27 people). This posting being shown at near-subliminal speed to satisfy the relevant Standards Authorities without actually letting you know what is going on.
15/06/2009
Proof that “ITV Comedy” is an oxymoron
Proof that the phrase “ITV Comedy” is an oxymoron: “May Contain Nuts”.
Reasons.
1) The title – it means nothing. It has no connection with the plot or characters. Now if it was a sitcom set in an underpants factory, or 18th century Bedlam then, OK, “May Contain Nuts” might be appropriate. But socially-aspiring, latte-drinking, Tarquin-offspringed, 50p tax-rated, gated-community dwellers? Where’s the link?
2) The setting – socially-aspiring, blah blah blah (see above). Does the word zeitgeist mean nothing?
3) The ‘jokes’ – don’t get me started (and, coincidentally, it seems that that was the scriptwriters’ motto). The main ‘comedy’ revolves around a forty-odd year old woman of diminutive stature (not a bit of Political Correctness there, she is just short) masquerading as her eleven-year-old daughter in order to take the entrance exam for a highly selective school. Let me tell you, she makes the least convincing eleven-year-old since Jeanette Krankie stuck a catapult in her back pocket and decided to go the Jimmy Clitheroe route.
4) (And I can still taste a tiny bit of bile riding in the back of my throat as I recall this) The scene where the forty-odd year old woman is trying on pre-teen slut gear (imagine Lesley “Birds of a Feather” Joseph dressed up like a Bratz doll) and her husband (and remember now, this woman is masquerading as their pre-teenage daughter) confesses to be a little ‘turned on’.
I have seen ITV sitcoms shuffle from semi-prime-time into the twilight viewing hours between the showing of the first and second episodes before now. This one, mercifully, is only a two-parter. Nonetheless, I am not sure that they can't find something to fill the schedule where the second part is supposed to be - a double bill of "Mind Your Language" and "On the Buses" might do the trick.
Reasons.
1) The title – it means nothing. It has no connection with the plot or characters. Now if it was a sitcom set in an underpants factory, or 18th century Bedlam then, OK, “May Contain Nuts” might be appropriate. But socially-aspiring, latte-drinking, Tarquin-offspringed, 50p tax-rated, gated-community dwellers? Where’s the link?
2) The setting – socially-aspiring, blah blah blah (see above). Does the word zeitgeist mean nothing?
3) The ‘jokes’ – don’t get me started (and, coincidentally, it seems that that was the scriptwriters’ motto). The main ‘comedy’ revolves around a forty-odd year old woman of diminutive stature (not a bit of Political Correctness there, she is just short) masquerading as her eleven-year-old daughter in order to take the entrance exam for a highly selective school. Let me tell you, she makes the least convincing eleven-year-old since Jeanette Krankie stuck a catapult in her back pocket and decided to go the Jimmy Clitheroe route.
4) (And I can still taste a tiny bit of bile riding in the back of my throat as I recall this) The scene where the forty-odd year old woman is trying on pre-teen slut gear (imagine Lesley “Birds of a Feather” Joseph dressed up like a Bratz doll) and her husband (and remember now, this woman is masquerading as their pre-teenage daughter) confesses to be a little ‘turned on’.
I have seen ITV sitcoms shuffle from semi-prime-time into the twilight viewing hours between the showing of the first and second episodes before now. This one, mercifully, is only a two-parter. Nonetheless, I am not sure that they can't find something to fill the schedule where the second part is supposed to be - a double bill of "Mind Your Language" and "On the Buses" might do the trick.
14/06/2009
9% of people claim they have seen a UFO
OK, so that's what the banner on the YouGov front page suggests.
But how many have been abducted? Let me tell you something...
I woke up the other morning to discover bloodstains on my pillow - I had experienced a spontaneous nocturnal nosebleed. That is something which has never happened to me before.
When do you get nosebleeds? That's right - when you go through some kind of decompression - like going up in an aeroplane - or perhaps something that reaches an even greater altitude. Are you tuning in to me yet, brothers and sisters?
Another odd thing; the whole room was entirely as it had been when I had gone to sleep the previous night. Now let me ask you this; if you were an alien, maybe a "grey", or something more like a futuristic hologram, or just that wobbly faced man from the end credits on the early Star Trek TV shows, and you were abducting someone, would you (a) make a right old mess of the place, opening drawers, swapping the socks around so all the pairs were odd, doing an alien-Banksy style graffito on the wall above the bedhead, etc., or (b) leave everything EXACTLY where it was, so there was absolutely no proof that you had been there.
I think we are on a wavelength here.
You got it, brothers and sisters; I had been abducted by aliens, and possibly (possibly? NO - probably!) been probed. And they didn't even have the decency to buy me dinner first. Sometimes you just can't win.
But how many have been abducted? Let me tell you something...
I woke up the other morning to discover bloodstains on my pillow - I had experienced a spontaneous nocturnal nosebleed. That is something which has never happened to me before.
When do you get nosebleeds? That's right - when you go through some kind of decompression - like going up in an aeroplane - or perhaps something that reaches an even greater altitude. Are you tuning in to me yet, brothers and sisters?
Another odd thing; the whole room was entirely as it had been when I had gone to sleep the previous night. Now let me ask you this; if you were an alien, maybe a "grey", or something more like a futuristic hologram, or just that wobbly faced man from the end credits on the early Star Trek TV shows, and you were abducting someone, would you (a) make a right old mess of the place, opening drawers, swapping the socks around so all the pairs were odd, doing an alien-Banksy style graffito on the wall above the bedhead, etc., or (b) leave everything EXACTLY where it was, so there was absolutely no proof that you had been there.
I think we are on a wavelength here.
You got it, brothers and sisters; I had been abducted by aliens, and possibly (possibly? NO - probably!) been probed. And they didn't even have the decency to buy me dinner first. Sometimes you just can't win.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)