It's been a long time but, brothers and sisters, here I go again!

Listen, I was only idly flicking through the channels. I'm not even usually in on a Wednesday evening (calm down, burglars, the house is well guarded - the GLW has a black belt; uses it to cinch the waist of her black dress - the one she wears to KICK BURGLAR BUTT!) but this evening I was lounging around the ...errmm... lounge. And I came across something called "Britain's Got Talent", which, on the evidence of this show, it patently don't.

One of the performers was something called a Pixie Lott. An unlikely Pixie (is it one of the Geldorfs? They all have names like that, don't they), and it sang. It sang... oh, I shudder, it sang a song in which it made the unforgiveable rhyme.

There are three unforgiveable rhymes in rock music.

1) Arms/charms. Listen - you might be in someones arms, but you are NOT, repeat, NOT "feeling their charms". In all probability you are feeling their shoulder blades, or, if a little more friendly, their gluteus maximus. Or their pointy bits pressing into you. Or your pointy bits pressing into them. Or even (and why not?) their pointy bits pressing into your pointy bits. But you ain't feeling their charms. Confess - you don't even know where the charm is located in the body, let alone whether it is a bone, a gland or an organ, do you? Thought not.

2) Knees/please. Even when a long established creator of classic folk/rock moments like "Homeward Bound", "The Boxer" and "The Lone Teen Ranger" (yeah, no kidding), Paul Simon still attended weekly classes in the art of songwriting. Probably realised that he needed to the day he hacked out "Cecelia, I'm down on my knees, begging you please..."Face facts, brothers and sisters, if you humiliate yourself with the knees in the dirt pleading schtick, there's only one place you are headed. And it isn't a lifetime of marital bliss and equality. Might as well slap on that apron and them marigolds, 'cause you'll be bottom of the household totem pole forever more.

3) And now, to the sin committed by the Pixie Lotts; I speak of
Waiting, and ...
...
...
oh, you know what's coming don't you?
...
...
Anticipating.

Not only one of the most overused rhymes in popular music, but also the most inappropriate.

Waiting - sitting round until something happens.
Anticipating - doing something BEFORE something happens.

So you cannot be both waiting for, and anticipating, the same bleeding thing, Ms Lott. Just can't happen. Throw away your rhyming dictionary, and buy a proper one that TELLS YOU WHAT WORDS MEAN!




Oh yes, brothers and sisters - I am back :o)