So souk me

Am I the last person to have adopted a recession mentality? I did something yesterday that I have never done before, and I think it is all because I have spent the best part of the year reading money-saving ideas in the Daily Telegraph's Saturday "Weekend" and "Your Ackers" sections. In fact, in ALL their sections. And all the other papers to. The recession have proved a Godsend to previously out-of-work scrimpage scribes who couldn't even sell a featurette to the Harrow Observer during the conspicuous consumption days that preceded Lehman Bros et al. But I digress.

I, as I said, have never done it before. The Baby Girl, my nest-flown youngest, has always been adept at it. Entering a "book" (did you see what I did there? "book" is predictive text spelling for "cool", hence the way forward for Standard English) boutique (ah, I show my age) she will find a dress that she really likes and then explain to the Beleagured Shop Manageress that as it is the last one on the rail, the BSM is going to be plagued by customers saying "Have you got this in red? Have you got it in a 14? Have you got it in this size and colour but with spots on?" and when the BSMA has to admit they don't, the plague of customers will leave, disgruntled and vowing never to return. Far better, TBG explains, to sell it to me for 25% of the ticket price, and save disappointing so many people. The BSM, grateful for having her turnover preserved, readily agress and, indeed, reduces the price even further in the hope that TBG will call again and save her from eventual financial ruin.

Me, I can't do that.

Strike that last and make it "Couldn't".

Went into a large-office-stationers-who-don't-only-sell-staples-despite-what-you-might-think and stared lovingly at a laptop for about ten minutes. My laptop is five years old, has 250mb of RAM a 25gb hard-drive of which 8gb is empty, crashes more frequently than a car insurance scammer, and takes so long to boot up that if I want to know how Brentford got on in an evening kick-off, it is quicker to get out the car and drive to the Royal Oak on the corner of the ground and find a gruntled or disgruntled supporter and ask them what the score was.

So I've been thinking about a new laptop for a while. And I looked and looked at the one in the shop that had the spec I wanted until one of the assistants came up to me and asked if he could help.

"Not really," I replied, "I was only thinking that if this laptop was £300 I'd be really tempted." He smiled, and said nothing. I smiled, and said nothing, but harder. Eventually he cracked. "I can't get it down to three hundred," he said, "but what about three-ten?"

So here I am, writing my last blog on my old laptop and about to set up my new one.

Am I cheap, or just hopping on the Souk Market bandwagon? I don't know, but I do feel quietly proud of myself. I'm sure TBG will give me a pat on the back too.

As the pirates say...

at midnight on December 31st....

Happy New Yaaaaar!

I'm so bored...

... with all this talk about football, and handball, and whether or not matches should have video referees.

Yes.

I am suffering from Thierry Ennui.

If you believe...

... they put a clown on the moon (clown on the moon).
Well,not exactly the moon, but them pesky Ruskies have put a clown in space. Any clown-phobics out there? He's up there, looking down at you!

Nah, don't panic, he can't reach you with his squirty flower; if he pressed the squeezy bulb the reaction would send him flying off in the vague direction of Uranus (did you see what I did there?).

Speaking of which, in order to avoid offending the sensibilities of the Moral Majority, from 2010, Uranus is to be renamed...
Urectum.
That joke used by kind permission. Thanks, Luke. And now back to our regular broadcast.

The Russians didn't send him up there as some kind of Commmedia dell'arte skit - no, Mr Baggysleeves paid Brer Oligarch thirty million US red-noses (thats 22,000,000 battered boaters sterling) for the privilege.

Dat's an offal lotta buckets full of silver confetti being chucked at an audience, brothers and sister. Are we on a wavelength here?

You bet we are. I'm off to paint my face white with a teardrop trickling from the corner of my eye. That teardrop isn't make-up by the way. That's me crying 'cause I chose the wrong career.

Now where's that square-wheeled car of mine? (*parp*)

It's a small world...

... and getting smaller every day.

Either that, or I've put some weight on.

One of the problems...

with being so vain;
every time I go to cross the road, and it says "Look right", I stop and think "Yes, I do, don't I?"

A conundrum.

Why are they called "energy-saving" light bulbs...

when my eyes have to work twice as hard to read anything under them?

Super, smashing, lovely.

News reaches Pickle Towers of an English actor obtaining a part in a US superhero adaptation movie - and NOT playing the baddie!

Yep, it seems that the part of Odin the Allfather has gone to Brian Blessed, possibly the only actor who would have to turn down his natural speaking voice in order not to drown out the God of Thunder.

All of which makes me think; if I was casting The Mighty Avengers purely from our spectred isles, who would be in the running.

AntMan : Ray Winstone. Best line of dialogue "Oi mush! Watch where yer puttin' yer xxxxin' feet!"

The Winsome Wasp : Jeanette Krankie - no special effects needed to shrink her down to size.

The Might Thor : Lenny Henry. Controversial casting there, I know, but imagine what depths could be bought to the role by someone who could deliver King James Bible English in a Dudley/Jamaican mum accent?

The Incredible Hulk - That grumpy faced bloke with the Walrus moustache who does the adverts saying "Had an accident at work? Not your fault?". Face it - he's big, and you wouldn't like him when he got angry. Mind you, you probably don't like him when he isn't.

Iron Man - Stephen Moore. Qualifications - already experienced in playing metal men, and his Marvin catchphrase "I've got a terible pain in all the diodes down my left hand side" could easily be adapted for Tony "Shrapnel Nuts" Stark.

Captain America - John Barrowman. Face it, he's every-bloody-where else.

Can you tell I'm in a cynical mood?

A problem shared...

... is a problem squared.

The ultimate in pointless, frustrating activities.

Try this:

Lift your right foot about six inches of the ground.
Draw clockwise circles in the air with your big toe.
While still drawing those circles, write number 6 in the air with your right hand forefinger.

Yep - your foot is now drawing anti-clockwise circles, isn't it?

Just one more try and I'm giving up forever...