25/07/2009
23/07/2009
What goes around...
... comes back in the nicest way. Esteemed quill-flourisher and HTML specialist Bernard O'Leary was kind (and clever) enough to turn my rudimentary Excel macro-driven Plottomator into a tasty little piece of HTML (eyes right, people). Then he pressed the button, got himself a prompt and wrote a short story based on it which has made runner up in the Guardian short fiction competition. Check out guardian.co.uk/books on August 1st. Check out the Plottomator any time. It can't make you a prize-winning author, but it might just give you the seeds of an idea.
14/07/2009
Don't have a cow, man
Lots of lip-flapping on the news this morning about the plight of the British veal farmer, and how our veal is less cruel than Continental veal (well it would be, wouldn't it?)
But tune in to me here, brothers and sisters; do you know where milk comes from? And Oxo cubes?
Take one cow, take one of those machines they use to crush cars that don't have road tax. Put the cow in the machine and press the "Go" button. Stand back and be amazed as milk pours out. And what's left? Now we are on a wavelength, brothers and sisters; an Oxo cube.
Don't believe me? Try this. Pour a pint of milk into a bowl. Drop in an Oxo cube. Stand well back.
PLUS
EQUALS
But tune in to me here, brothers and sisters; do you know where milk comes from? And Oxo cubes?
Take one cow, take one of those machines they use to crush cars that don't have road tax. Put the cow in the machine and press the "Go" button. Stand back and be amazed as milk pours out. And what's left? Now we are on a wavelength, brothers and sisters; an Oxo cube.
Don't believe me? Try this. Pour a pint of milk into a bowl. Drop in an Oxo cube. Stand well back.
PLUS
EQUALS
08/07/2009
Nice Enough To eat
I remember reading somewhere that if you own two hundred LPs, you already own a hundred LPs that you will never again listen to in their entirety. Now how much does that sentence date me?
Let's start the forensics: "LPs". Who knows what "LPs" are nowadays (and I'll excuse all readers of Record Collector Magazine and Mojo)? OK, let's talk about "albums" then.
When I was... oh Lor' - I almost wrote "When I was a boy" there. Forgive me. Once upon a time, an artist released a collection of tracks in a single unit - probably ran to about 20 minutes a side*, maybe three quarters of an hour's entertainment once you had put the first side on, used the sleeve to (*ahem*) "skin up" on, found something to assuage the sudden hunger that seemed to onset just as the needle hit the runout groove, turned the LP over, giggled as the needle missed the vinyl and you grooved to 3 minutes of sapphire-on-rubber white noise, finally found the edge of side two, and let for face melt during the second half of the band's latest opus. There's a reason why Sergeant Pepper's second side is more wonky than side one. They knew you would be off your mash by the time you got to hear it. They knew it, and so they played to it.
Nowadays - maybe even for about the past fifteen years - no-one, but no-blimming-one, has ever bought a CD, stuck it on, and played it from one end to the other. They are all an hour long at least, you can't roll a funny fag on the jewel case, and they are full of filler.
We stick 'em on our iPlod, rip 'em to our PCs and we don't even notice if Monkey Media never shuffles half the tracks onto our speakers. What a waste. A waste of time, a waste of plastic, and a waste of artistes' talents. Make music as expensive as it was in the Sixties, when an album cost the equivalent of about thirtyfive of your modern quids. Limit the bands to thirtyfive minutes, and then we'll see some Rock'n'Roll Darwinism. A quid a minute, that'd sort out the music scene.
That being said...
Just picked up Strangely Strange But Oddly Normal, An Island Anthology 1967-1972 in Harrow Library's Summer Sale. £1.50. This stuff just takes me back to the days when a guy in a greatcoat would sell you a "quid deal" which turned out to be half an Oxo cube wrapped in tin foil.
Maaaaan, Oxo cube crumbled into the contents of a Park Drive - now that was some trip.
And if any of that makes any sense to you, welcome to your fifties. I shall return to the subject of no-longer-listened-to LPs before too very long.
As soon as this beefstock buzz wears off...
* I actually own a Buddy Holly LP which barely makes ten minutes a side.
Let's start the forensics: "LPs". Who knows what "LPs" are nowadays (and I'll excuse all readers of Record Collector Magazine and Mojo)? OK, let's talk about "albums" then.
When I was... oh Lor' - I almost wrote "When I was a boy" there. Forgive me. Once upon a time, an artist released a collection of tracks in a single unit - probably ran to about 20 minutes a side*, maybe three quarters of an hour's entertainment once you had put the first side on, used the sleeve to (*ahem*) "skin up" on, found something to assuage the sudden hunger that seemed to onset just as the needle hit the runout groove, turned the LP over, giggled as the needle missed the vinyl and you grooved to 3 minutes of sapphire-on-rubber white noise, finally found the edge of side two, and let for face melt during the second half of the band's latest opus. There's a reason why Sergeant Pepper's second side is more wonky than side one. They knew you would be off your mash by the time you got to hear it. They knew it, and so they played to it.Nowadays - maybe even for about the past fifteen years - no-one, but no-blimming-one, has ever bought a CD, stuck it on, and played it from one end to the other. They are all an hour long at least, you can't roll a funny fag on the jewel case, and they are full of filler.
We stick 'em on our iPlod, rip 'em to our PCs and we don't even notice if Monkey Media never shuffles half the tracks onto our speakers. What a waste. A waste of time, a waste of plastic, and a waste of artistes' talents. Make music as expensive as it was in the Sixties, when an album cost the equivalent of about thirtyfive of your modern quids. Limit the bands to thirtyfive minutes, and then we'll see some Rock'n'Roll Darwinism. A quid a minute, that'd sort out the music scene.That being said...
Just picked up Strangely Strange But Oddly Normal, An Island Anthology 1967-1972 in Harrow Library's Summer Sale. £1.50. This stuff just takes me back to the days when a guy in a greatcoat would sell you a "quid deal" which turned out to be half an Oxo cube wrapped in tin foil.
Maaaaan, Oxo cube crumbled into the contents of a Park Drive - now that was some trip.
And if any of that makes any sense to you, welcome to your fifties. I shall return to the subject of no-longer-listened-to LPs before too very long.
As soon as this beefstock buzz wears off...
* I actually own a Buddy Holly LP which barely makes ten minutes a side.
04/07/2009
Mike's mix #2
Here's another 80 minutes worth of music for your mind...
1 Sandy Wynn - A Touch of Venus 2:37
2 Spirit - Fresh Garbage 3:13
3 The Forum - The River Is Wide 2:48
4 Marshall Crenshaw - Whenever You're On My Mind 3:17
5 Teddy Bears - To Know Him Is to Love Him 2:24
6 Mylene Farmer - Mylene s'en fout 4:32
7 The Supremes - Reflections 2:51
8 Fun Lovin' Criminals - We Have All The Time In The World 3:41
9 Taj Mahal - A Lot of Love 3:56
10 The Beach Boys - Please Let Me Wonder 2:46
11 J.J.Barnes - Our Love Is In the Pocket 2:45
12 Doris Troy - I'll Do Anything (He Wants Me to Do) 2:39
13 Laurie Johnson - The Avengers 2:20
14 Freda Payne - Band of Gold 2:54
15 Righteous Brothers - You've Lost That Loving Feeling 3:34
16 Harry Nilsson - It's Been So Long 2:08
17 The Cardigans - Lovefool 3:13
18 Harry J Allstars - Liquidator 2:48
19 Ronnie Lane And Slim Chance - The Poacher 3:42
20 Robert John - If You Don't Want My Love 2:21
21 Super Furry Animals - Juxtaposed With U 3:08
22 Famous Blues Band - Nine By Nine 3:11
23 Fleetwood Mac - Green Manalishi 4:25
24 Massive Attack - Unfinished Sympathy 5:08
25 Maxine Brown - It's Torture 2:34
1 Sandy Wynn - A Touch of Venus 2:37
2 Spirit - Fresh Garbage 3:13
3 The Forum - The River Is Wide 2:48
4 Marshall Crenshaw - Whenever You're On My Mind 3:17
5 Teddy Bears - To Know Him Is to Love Him 2:24
6 Mylene Farmer - Mylene s'en fout 4:32
7 The Supremes - Reflections 2:51
8 Fun Lovin' Criminals - We Have All The Time In The World 3:41
9 Taj Mahal - A Lot of Love 3:56
10 The Beach Boys - Please Let Me Wonder 2:46
11 J.J.Barnes - Our Love Is In the Pocket 2:45
12 Doris Troy - I'll Do Anything (He Wants Me to Do) 2:39
13 Laurie Johnson - The Avengers 2:20
14 Freda Payne - Band of Gold 2:54
15 Righteous Brothers - You've Lost That Loving Feeling 3:34
16 Harry Nilsson - It's Been So Long 2:08
17 The Cardigans - Lovefool 3:13
18 Harry J Allstars - Liquidator 2:48
19 Ronnie Lane And Slim Chance - The Poacher 3:42
20 Robert John - If You Don't Want My Love 2:21
21 Super Furry Animals - Juxtaposed With U 3:08
22 Famous Blues Band - Nine By Nine 3:11
23 Fleetwood Mac - Green Manalishi 4:25
24 Massive Attack - Unfinished Sympathy 5:08
25 Maxine Brown - It's Torture 2:34
Shopping in Waitrose today
... and keeping my eyes peeled for bargains, who did I spot filling their trolleys but ex-PM "Sunny" Jim Callaghan, Dick Van Dyke ("Diagnosis Murder" Dick, not "Meeery Puppins" Dick) and, responding enthusiastically to the offer to sample some wine, Leslie Phillips from about the time of "Carry On Constable".
"Blimey," I said to Elvis, who works on the deli counter, "you get all sorts in here don't you?"
He just replied "Uh-huh-huh, uh-huh-huh, oh yeah."
I think next week I'll shop in Morrison's.
"Blimey," I said to Elvis, who works on the deli counter, "you get all sorts in here don't you?"
He just replied "Uh-huh-huh, uh-huh-huh, oh yeah."
I think next week I'll shop in Morrison's.
02/07/2009
Feeling hot, hot, hot.
This clement weather has got me thinking, brothers and sisters; the closer you get to the source of the heat, the hotter you get, right?
So, when you climb to the top of a mountain, you are nearer the sun, n'est ce pas (and I trust you'll excuse the French? So, where do you go if you want to get up to some ski-ing? Are you tuning into me, brothers and sisters? Tell me this then; if it gets hotter the closer you get to the source of the heat, how come that the tops of mountains are full of light dustings, heavy falls, glaciers, and Abominable Snowmen?
I think we are on a wavelength here. Obviously, the source of the heat is not the sun, but the centre of the Earth. Am I right, or am I the Singing Detective?
In fact, I would not be at all surprised if we were actually nett exporters of hot. There's probably a whole bunch of people living on the Sun at this very moment (Sunnies? Solarians?) saying to each other "Oh, it's a really Earthy day, must remember to put on my Factor 40 Terrablock, don't want to get Earthburn," etc.
There's just no pleasing some people. Especially Solarians.
So, when you climb to the top of a mountain, you are nearer the sun, n'est ce pas (and I trust you'll excuse the French? So, where do you go if you want to get up to some ski-ing? Are you tuning into me, brothers and sisters? Tell me this then; if it gets hotter the closer you get to the source of the heat, how come that the tops of mountains are full of light dustings, heavy falls, glaciers, and Abominable Snowmen?
I think we are on a wavelength here. Obviously, the source of the heat is not the sun, but the centre of the Earth. Am I right, or am I the Singing Detective?
In fact, I would not be at all surprised if we were actually nett exporters of hot. There's probably a whole bunch of people living on the Sun at this very moment (Sunnies? Solarians?) saying to each other "Oh, it's a really Earthy day, must remember to put on my Factor 40 Terrablock, don't want to get Earthburn," etc.
There's just no pleasing some people. Especially Solarians.
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